You know those gentle tugs that pull on your heart that are sometimes hard to listen to. The ones that are almost without a doubt from God that you feel like you should listen to. Then you fight and fight and fight. This blog was one of those. On multiple occasions.
A few days ago as I was trying to figure out how to export my first blog I came across the draft to this. A little voice whispered, maybe you should finish it. I didn't yet.
Today, I was speaking with a friend who had also been through a miscarriage and was now facing these same fears that brought me to my knees in ugly tears so many times during Brayden's pregnancy. I still almost didn't share it. Then I realized I needed to.
So here's the first original draft, complete with my first original reason for not sharing it on time.
I was going to write this post in October 2016. That was Infant & Pregnancy loss awareness month. But LIFE just got in the way. I sat down with so many intentions of writing..but things just kept coming up...big things! Hurricanes, Lost cats, Birthday parties, Sick kids, Traveling kids (that was a big first for us!)! And life just got majorly in the way!!!
We had been trying for baby #3...and it just wasn't happening. I was beginning to get concerned. I thought it was just never going to happen.
I started to question,
"Are we done?"
"Just two? Really?"
For so long I had fought the idea of three children, but when I thought we were only going to have two I found myself overwhelmed with sadness.
October was a crazy month for us. So crazy. In the midst of it, I had multiple friends have miscarriages. And I was honored and broken-hearted when they came to me. As I talked to them about their miscarriages, I worked hard to make peace with mine as well.
It's amazing how long a miscarriage stays with you. For three years now, I've been trying to make peace with my own miscarriage. And while I feel as though I've mostly healed, there is rarely a week that goes by without it crossing my mind. Sometimes I could even say rarely a day.
What I came to over our crazy month of October, was that God really is in control of life. That there is a baby waiting for me in heaven. I will get to hold him or her one day. In my mind that baby has a name already. My son has a combo of both the girl and boy names we would have used for his first and middle name. Babies are in God's hands. Quite literally.
But as a human that fact is scary.
It means that if I get pregnant, I still may not be bringing a baby home from the hospital.
How can that be? I wrestled with it so much. I still do. Life is uncertain. And that fact never seemed so cruel to me until I became a parent myself.
During my first labor, my daughter's heart stopped beating. For almost a full minute. I was terrified. I was helpless. I had an epidural and literally could not move one bit to help the doctors help her. Her life was in God's hands. And I sat there praying...thinking there is no way that after all of this I am not going to get to bring her home. God answered my prayers. 72 hours later, we brought a happy, healthy baby girl home.
The only evidence of turmoil? The forceps mark on her head.
The doctor actually apologized for that. That her newborn photos wouldn't be perfect. That was just fine with me. I was holding my baby girl. Those marks were gone in a week.
My second pregnancy wasn't so lucky. Thanksgiving 2013, I came home so excited to tell my parent's that we were pregnant. Our first pregnancy was a surprise when I was just out of college. That announcement was hard. I was so excited to announce a pregnancy that would be celebrated by everyone. Because I hadn't experienced that. I even said those words to my mom.
A week later, I was at the doctor's getting an ultrasound. That baby was gone. My pregnancy to be celebrated was over.
How could this be? This time I had done EVERYTHING right?
I did NOT understand. I was so broken. So angry.
A few month's later, we found out we were expecting my son! That pregnancy was such a gift...but boy was I scared! Happily, he came to us quite healthily and is a rambunctious and smart little boy who brings us lots of joy and gray hairs ;).
Fast forward to 20 months later...and we are trying for baby #3. Baby #3 did not happen right away. All of the other times I got pregnant fairly quickly. Like I said earlier, I found myself wondering. Are we done? Is my family complete? Because it seems really small!
But...here we are...I am currently 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant....with a baby due the same week as the one that we lost! I find that to be so happy...and so nerve wracking. I keep finding myself asking...is that a promise...like that rainbow after the storm...a reminder of God's love for us? I sure hope so. My body got all wacky to even make this due date possible...so that has to be the case...right!?!
And here I am, finding myself nervous....are we going to get to bring this baby home? I sure hope so.
God's hand is over this baby's life. That I know to be true. So I have to give this sweet little life to God. There is nothing I can do beyond taking good care of myself and praying to ensure it's well-being. So that's exactly what I'm going to do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now a little update. Brayden is 9 months and 4 days old now. He is a beautiful baby boy.
His pregnancy went fine. His delivery almost went fine. He had trouble breathing at birth. The MUSC staff swooped in and saved him despite being over capacity for patients. Despite my fears and many many tears, God has faithfully cared for my sweet baby boy. I will never forget his older brother or sister and look forward to meeting him or her in heaven. The names we were considering for the baby we lost are carefully intertwined into Avery James' name. I do go days without crying now. It took years. Over 4 years to be exact, for me not to feel sad on a weekly basis. I still love and miss the baby we lost deeply, but know he or she is waiting for me in heaven. I'm truly hoping babies that were lost get to stay babies forever. God knows I love babies and would love to have one forever. And now I'm starting to cry bittersweet, but mostly happy tears, knowing that Heaven is real and believing my baby is there in the arms of Jesus, or maybe my Grandma Alice, waiting for me.
A few days ago as I was trying to figure out how to export my first blog I came across the draft to this. A little voice whispered, maybe you should finish it. I didn't yet.
Today, I was speaking with a friend who had also been through a miscarriage and was now facing these same fears that brought me to my knees in ugly tears so many times during Brayden's pregnancy. I still almost didn't share it. Then I realized I needed to.
So here's the first original draft, complete with my first original reason for not sharing it on time.
I was going to write this post in October 2016. That was Infant & Pregnancy loss awareness month. But LIFE just got in the way. I sat down with so many intentions of writing..but things just kept coming up...big things! Hurricanes, Lost cats, Birthday parties, Sick kids, Traveling kids (that was a big first for us!)! And life just got majorly in the way!!!
We had been trying for baby #3...and it just wasn't happening. I was beginning to get concerned. I thought it was just never going to happen.
I started to question,
"Are we done?"
"Just two? Really?"
For so long I had fought the idea of three children, but when I thought we were only going to have two I found myself overwhelmed with sadness.
October was a crazy month for us. So crazy. In the midst of it, I had multiple friends have miscarriages. And I was honored and broken-hearted when they came to me. As I talked to them about their miscarriages, I worked hard to make peace with mine as well.
It's amazing how long a miscarriage stays with you. For three years now, I've been trying to make peace with my own miscarriage. And while I feel as though I've mostly healed, there is rarely a week that goes by without it crossing my mind. Sometimes I could even say rarely a day.
What I came to over our crazy month of October, was that God really is in control of life. That there is a baby waiting for me in heaven. I will get to hold him or her one day. In my mind that baby has a name already. My son has a combo of both the girl and boy names we would have used for his first and middle name. Babies are in God's hands. Quite literally.
But as a human that fact is scary.
It means that if I get pregnant, I still may not be bringing a baby home from the hospital.
How can that be? I wrestled with it so much. I still do. Life is uncertain. And that fact never seemed so cruel to me until I became a parent myself.
During my first labor, my daughter's heart stopped beating. For almost a full minute. I was terrified. I was helpless. I had an epidural and literally could not move one bit to help the doctors help her. Her life was in God's hands. And I sat there praying...thinking there is no way that after all of this I am not going to get to bring her home. God answered my prayers. 72 hours later, we brought a happy, healthy baby girl home.
The only evidence of turmoil? The forceps mark on her head.
The doctor actually apologized for that. That her newborn photos wouldn't be perfect. That was just fine with me. I was holding my baby girl. Those marks were gone in a week.
My second pregnancy wasn't so lucky. Thanksgiving 2013, I came home so excited to tell my parent's that we were pregnant. Our first pregnancy was a surprise when I was just out of college. That announcement was hard. I was so excited to announce a pregnancy that would be celebrated by everyone. Because I hadn't experienced that. I even said those words to my mom.
A week later, I was at the doctor's getting an ultrasound. That baby was gone. My pregnancy to be celebrated was over.
How could this be? This time I had done EVERYTHING right?
I did NOT understand. I was so broken. So angry.
A few month's later, we found out we were expecting my son! That pregnancy was such a gift...but boy was I scared! Happily, he came to us quite healthily and is a rambunctious and smart little boy who brings us lots of joy and gray hairs ;).
Fast forward to 20 months later...and we are trying for baby #3. Baby #3 did not happen right away. All of the other times I got pregnant fairly quickly. Like I said earlier, I found myself wondering. Are we done? Is my family complete? Because it seems really small!
But...here we are...I am currently 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant....with a baby due the same week as the one that we lost! I find that to be so happy...and so nerve wracking. I keep finding myself asking...is that a promise...like that rainbow after the storm...a reminder of God's love for us? I sure hope so. My body got all wacky to even make this due date possible...so that has to be the case...right!?!
And here I am, finding myself nervous....are we going to get to bring this baby home? I sure hope so.
God's hand is over this baby's life. That I know to be true. So I have to give this sweet little life to God. There is nothing I can do beyond taking good care of myself and praying to ensure it's well-being. So that's exactly what I'm going to do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now a little update. Brayden is 9 months and 4 days old now. He is a beautiful baby boy.
His pregnancy went fine. His delivery almost went fine. He had trouble breathing at birth. The MUSC staff swooped in and saved him despite being over capacity for patients. Despite my fears and many many tears, God has faithfully cared for my sweet baby boy. I will never forget his older brother or sister and look forward to meeting him or her in heaven. The names we were considering for the baby we lost are carefully intertwined into Avery James' name. I do go days without crying now. It took years. Over 4 years to be exact, for me not to feel sad on a weekly basis. I still love and miss the baby we lost deeply, but know he or she is waiting for me in heaven. I'm truly hoping babies that were lost get to stay babies forever. God knows I love babies and would love to have one forever. And now I'm starting to cry bittersweet, but mostly happy tears, knowing that Heaven is real and believing my baby is there in the arms of Jesus, or maybe my Grandma Alice, waiting for me.
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